Toon Lampoon endorses “whoever pays us the most” in the sabb elections

Editors at The Toon Lampoon have revealed they will be taking a stance in the student elections: to endorse whichever candidates pay them the most. The editors are understood merely to be excited to be endorsing a candidate for a reason other than blackmail.

One editor agreed to discuss the issue with a Lampoon reporter, once the reporter told her that he had Valium. The editor promptly explained, “The Lampoon is a paper of principle, and that principle is corruption.”

She clarified, “I joke, of course: we don’t want money interfering in elections. We’re not some banana republic, like America. There is only one thing that would ever make us even consider going against our principles, and that is personal gain.”

A writer for The Lampoon explained “When I heard we were endorsing candidates, I thought, ‘uh oh, someone’s found the tape of the editors’ orgy’, so I’m relieved it’s just good old-fashioned bribery.”

One sabb candidate excitedly told our democracy reporter “This endorsement will really help my campaign, now that the endorsement has gone to my rival.”

Featured Image: Images Money on Flickr

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