History was made today as, in a decision that will surely shape the continuation of humanity as a species, the title of Coolest Person to Ever Live was bestowed on a man who spent at least ten minutes revving his motorbike on a residential street.
The decision, following a poll of the entire population of the planet Earth, was almost unanimous, with the exception of 74,216,154 votes for Former President Donald J. Trump that were returned in both the United States of America and Russia.
“Personally, I think it’s the only sane solution,” said Darren Smike (48), a resident of the Gateshead street in which the event now known as “Revstravaganza” took place. “I remember exactly where I was when it happened, which was in my house, what with the whole pandemic situation. I remember hearing this…this roaring coming from outside the house, like some sort of majestic beast of the forest.
“Obviously, I rushed to the window and looked out, and that’s when I saw him: the undisputed king of the North East, if not the world. Sitting astride his stationary motorcycle, revving the engine for all it was worth.”
Smike and other witnesses, in voices hushed with awe and wonder, described how the unidentified motorcyclist sat there for ten whole minutes, revving his vehicle’s engine approximately once every three seconds for the duration.”
“I’ve seen a lot of things in my time,” said Julian Ashworth (42). “The view from the heights of Kilimanjaro. My wife bringing our son into the world. The plane hitting the second tower. But that man – that God – sitting on his motorbike, constantly revving the engine for all who would care to hear it…I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.”
Following the result of the poll, the motorcyclist in question has been invited to attend to a ceremony to receive his knighthood from Queen Elizabeth, as well as the crown of Coolest Person to Ever Live.