Britain has been rocked with the news that an ancient, imperialist institution is unsympathetic to the notion of non-white people. As soon as the news spread, the public immediately began to politely pretend to be surprised.
“Oh… what? No…” one local woman said, with the same inflection as if she’d asked by a child if Santa was imaginary.
“Really, racist? The family that would rather inbreed than marry a black person?” a man added, trying his best to sound shocked.
One man who agreed to talk to The Lampoon insists that his surprise is sincere.
“I don’t see the need for sarcasm: we’re genuinely taken aback in my household. We thought the royal family was made up of decent men and women, and only one paedophile.”
Meanwhile, Princess Diana’s ghost has been spotted winking in and out of existence in Buckingham Palace to look knowingly at the Queen. The Queen, meanwhile, has retired from public life to spend more time with Meghan Markle’s brake wires.
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