Toon Lampoon editors still staring in trepidation at email from Piers Morgan

The editors of The Toon Lampoon, at this time of writing, have still not opened an email received from Piers Morgan almost one hour ago, according to The Lampoon’s reporters.

Barely minutes after the news broke of his exit from Good Morning Britain, The Toon Lampoon received an email from the former broadcaster. Rather than open it, however, the editors instead stood in front of their “second-hand” laptop, staring at the cracked screen in what has been described by the writing team as “the slack-jawed incredulity of the incompetent”.

“We knew that there was something odd going on immediately,” Editor Joe Molander told a Toon Lampoon journalist who had sought refuge in a bathroom cubicle. “I mean, this was the first email that hadn’t been sifted into any of the separate inboxes for legal threats, demands for money, or sexually explicit fan fiction of our editorial team. It wasn’t until we read the name of the sender that we realised that we were apparently Piers Morgan’s first choice after Good Morning Britain.”

Forcing himself underneath the cubicle door, Molander added, “We’ve not dared to open the email yet, but there’s definitely an attachment: something called ‘Piers_Morgan_CV.pdf’.”

Piers Morgan ended his six-year tenure on Good Morning Britain after his comments regarding the Meghan Markle and Prince Harry interview drew considerable criticism. Despite the free agent now apparently looking to write the next chapter of his career with the North East’s premier satire publication, The Toon Lampoon is concerned that it will not be able to offer the same opportunities for phone-hacking, misogyny, racism, or getting punched by Jeremy Clarkson that Morgan has enjoyed in the past.

Sources have also indicated that key figures in The Lampoon don’t believe that they are capable of helping Piers Morgan to amass what the former GMB co-presenter would regard as “an acceptable number” of Ofcom investigations.

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