As schools reopen following a relaxation of pandemic restrictions, PE teachers across the country have described themselves as “overjoyed” to once again have the opportunity to scream at and bully children as young as four years old.
“It’s been an incredible challenge,” PE teacher Tom Larkin told The Lampoon. “It’s not like you can teach physical education over Zoom, so I’ve been having to try everything I can to get the fulfilment I usually receive from bellowing abuse at terrified children during lockdown. My wife took the kids and ran after the first two weeks of non-stop psychological torment.”
“After that, I had to get more inventive. I tried invading other teachers’ remote classes to tell the kids that they weren’t worth the shit on the bottom of my shoes, but they just kept muting me. It got to the point where I was lurking under bridges, just waiting for the chance to jump out at passers-by and force them to run laps.”
Larkin admitted that he had even been toying with the idea of hiring a prostitute, just so that he could pretend that his addiction to doling out verbal abuse was simply an innocent sexual kink. He eventually abandoned the idea, however, over fears that the clandestine arrangement might permit the woman in question to see his embarrassingly miniscule penis.
Now, Larkin says that he is excited to get back out onto the games fields, aggressively questioning the sexuality of eleven-year-old boys while threatening his underage students with the sexually menacing possibility of having to play in their pants.