Local man regrets not being born in a time when using the N-word wouldn’t earn him a fucking guilt trip

A Gateshead local recently revealed to The Toon Lampoon that he longs for a return to a bygone era where a white man could use racist slurs without people making him feel like he’s done anything wrong.

Darren Smike told The Lampoon’s human interest correspondent that he was “fed up with having to suppress his most basic and primal instinct just to be able to get through a day without feeling judged.”

“They’re trying to take away my language,” Smike continued. “I mean, imagine if you had to get through an entire way without saying the word ‘the’. That’s literally exactly what it’s like for me. I say a single word, I get called into an HR meeting and told that my behaviour is unacceptable. It’s like something out of Kafka.”

Smike claimed that he in fact had a list of 37 words that he’s certain he’d have been able to proudly use without receiving any negative feedback in the 1940s, though it’s specifically the N-word that he is the most concerned with, considering how many opportunities he has identified for its daily use.

“I mean, it’s not like I’d be saying it to black people in the street or anything,” Smike assured our reporter. “The only times that I’d ever want to use it would be when I was with my friends or, hypothetically, while I was having an argument with someone online and felt like it would form the keystone of a particularly witty rejoinder.”

Moving forward, Smike says that he intends to build support for the right of white people to use the N-word without being made to feel as though their behaviour is in any way inappropriate, and has revealed that he has already been offered a role as a presenter on the forthcoming GB News channel.

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