Sandyford residents “cannot sleep” after Helmsley Road taken over by poltergeists

After locals complained of a loud “techno” wailing being heard well into the night, a local ghost hunter claims Helmsley is now Newcastle’s “most haunted road.”

The evil spirits can be regularly seen wreaking havoc on late-night passers-by, causing them to stumble and stagger about “as if they were heavily intoxicated.” Their loud cacophony is said to be audible up to half a mile away, leading many locals not to just complain about the noise, but also about the undead’s poor taste in music. It has reportedly frightened so many near-by hounds that even landlords are letting them into student flats.

Recent reports on Newfess brought the situation to light after which the University Vice-Chancellor Chris Day, who is an avid user of the platform, supposedly summoned the ghost hunter to take care of the situation. Day was purportedly overheard worrying about the ghost problem, proclaiming that “it looks like another Warwick about to happen.” The hunter, who refuses to be named out of fear of curses, is said to have a PhD in Spookolagy and also be a registered botanist.

Relying on advanced techniques in hearsay and pure emotion, the hunter has concluded that “a poltergeist invasion is the only plausible explanation” for the recent goings-on. He concluded it would be “impossible” for rowdy students to be the cause as, due to COVID-19, large-gatherings are currently banned.

Some frightened locals were seen openly dosing themselves in holy water, locally dubbed “Smirnoff Ice,” in an effort to appease the demons. Others have taken a more traditional approach; it is believed one of the more well endowed Leazes’ cows was burnt on a sacrificial pyre on Sunday night, because it is well-known “phantoms hate the smell of BBQ.”

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