After several years of quarantining Newcastle uni’s weirdest and most socially awkward students (except for Lampoon writers and mech eng students) away from other societies, the Anime Society has finally been forced to close down. This comes as no surprise, as there has long been debate over whether or not we really need a society dedicated to not showering and cartoons about shouty children with stupid hair.
Our reporter initially led the Lampoon to believe that this may have been due to people who would not shut up about anime porn on a group chat that the SU can access at any time, or possibly groups of more than 6 people naruto running down Armstrong bridge. However, thanks to the network of cold war listening devices the Lampoon has hidden in the NUSU offices we have since discovered the true reason.
Quarantine and Brexit-related vodka shortages have led the 2020/2021 academic year to have the lowest number of initiation rituals, blood orgies and jenkem parties on record since the founding of Newcastle university, and the SU is turning to more drastic measures to maintain their delusion that Newcastle is a cool party university.
An unnamed NUSU officer unaware we were listening to see if she mentioned her credit card details was quoted saying: “For fuck’s sake, we haven’t had anyone die of alcohol poisoning in over 4 years, if we don’t do something to save our image soon there’ll be more people signing up to snort gunpowder off suspiciously brown toilet seats at Sunderland than here.”
The remaining money allocated to Anime Society has since been reallocated towards paying an artist friend of the NUSU execs to draw a single stick figure on the side of the Old Library Building.