The media has been left in a tailspin following the failure of the necromantic rituals sustaining Prince Philip’s 1000 year long unlife. As such, it has hesitantly decided not to publish Ghislaine Maxwell’s recent confession that she saw Prince Andrew attending one of Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous Bacchanoncia parties.
Although currently unproven, the allegations are widely considered true, due to her testimony that the man she saw “did not sweat at all, almost as if his skin was some kind of rubber suit hiding his real reptilian skin”.
Normally, the tabloid press would of course just say that no one in the Royal Family ever liked Randy Andy, and find a way to blame Meghan Markle for it. However, printing the revelations in the same paper as another article about the Royal Family could cause readers to conflate the two.
As such, no-one except The Toon Lampoon will be reporting on this. This is because showing respect to Big Liz and her family would be antithetical to our ethos of seeking cheap controversy at every opportunity.
For us, this is a golden opportunity to be the only news source reporting the event. As such, we can force anyone who’s interested to read through our overly lurid version of events. Readers are assured this will include unnecessary and arguably unethical levels of detail about what happened on the nonce island.
In other news, the Daily Express is pushing for a similar agreement against reporting on systemic racism. Supposedly, it would cause the Royals deep pain to know that the thing Philip loved so dearly is under attack.
Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons