In the wake of Boris Johnson’s most recent scandal, the Tory Party will reportedly pay a London-based training company an undisclosed amount to help party members explain their vote for Michael Gove to non-Conservative voters.
“We’re very keen to take on this challenge,” a spokesperson from the training organisation Indie Fensible told our reporter. “We understand the difficulty in having to suddenly and vehemently defend to the death what, mere moments earlier, you would have emptied both barrels of a shotgun into. That being said, Michael Gove is certainly unlike anything we have faced before.”
The news of these seminars has been greeted with considerable positivity by Conservative Party members.
“I’m immensely grateful,” Mr Humphrey Wokingham told The Lampoon. “I back the Conservative Party to the hilt, of course, but one finds it so embarrassing when one is presented with the facts as seen from a certain point of view and, often in the gauchest of terms, asked to explain why they continue to support the Prime Minister.”
Mrs Emilia Thornton told our reporter, “I was brought up by Nanny to always vote Conservative, and I fully intend to, but there’s just something so horrid about that Gove man. I’m very much looking forward to being told about why it’s all going to be all right. I expect it’ll be rather jolly: just like school.”
The Toon Lampoon’s polling at this time suggests that 40% of Conservative Party members would happily attend the proposed seminars, with a further 45% stating that they’d not normally sit in an uncomfortable chair and be lectured by some long-haired, pot-loving university graduate, but anything to shut up the bastard kids whenever that glasses-wearing tit takes a shit on the democratic carpet.
A final 15% of those polled told our journalist to go back to where she came from. As the journalist in question was born in Sunderland, we at The Lampoon would like to assure our readers that we condemn this sentiment in the strongest possible terms.