Prime Minister “planned to awaken the Old Ones and turn the nation over to the darkness”, claims Cummings ally

Following the revelation of Boris Johnson’s alleged disregard for the victims of COVID-19, as reported by The Daily Mail, sources close to former SPAD Dominic Cummings have claimed that the Prime Minister had planned to “call upon the forgotten and unspeakable Gods that dwell beneath the depths to rise once again and ravage the country.”

“It might sound unbelievable and, if I’m honest, pretty convenient in terms of kicking the gaffe-ridden bastard out to make room for Michael Gove, but I swear that this actually happened,” the anonymous source told The Toon Lampoon.

“He had this book with a kind of dark power emanating from it, and he kept motioning towards it and saying that he knew just how to sort everything out. He got an aide to try to read it, but her eyes just turned completely black and she more or less phased through the fabric of our reality, leaving behind nothing except the disquieting notion that all would eventually do the same, if anything can truly be called real. It was bananas.”

Cabinet Ministers have, in what has become a familiar sight over the past several weeks, closed ranks around the Prime Minister, stating their belief that this latest attack on Boris Johnson is nothing more than an attempted smear and character assassination of the Tory premier.

“The Prime Minister has my full support, whatever it is that he’s been accused of,” Liz Truss told our reporter. “I’m sure that all of this is a massive misunderstanding, and that these claims – whatever their nature – are completely laughable. This is just like that other story about him that I, of course, completely disbelieve, whatever the specific details.”

This latest rumour of the Conservative Party’s proximity to an almost-realised Lovecraftian nightmare is alleged to be unrelated to a similar incident involving Chris Grayling that took place six months ago, which The Toon Lampoon is given to understand resulted primarily from incompetence.

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