Widow of man strangled by Boris Johnson “can’t imagine how Corbyn would have treated him”

The wife of a civil servant throttled to death by Boris Johnson has told The Toon Lampoon that she thanks God each and every day that her late husband never suffered the misfortune of coming into contact with Jeremy Corbyn.

“It’s been unimaginable,” Karen Smike, 47, told our reporter. “It’s hard to put into words how it feels to know that someone I loved and cared for is no longer here: to know that he died desperately trying to take one more breath of oxygen, but that he couldn’t, thanks to Boris Johnson.”

Smike continued on to say that, though the action of strangling or the inaction of not stopping strangling committed by the Prime Minister had caused her levels of trauma and heartbreak that she had not formerly believed possible, that it was clear to her that her husband had been saved from the undoubtedly worse fate reserved for him had he been forced to work alongside Jeremy Corbyn.

“Even as I replay his last futile gasps for air through my head, day after day, for hours on end, I know that Corbyn would have increased his suffering a hundredfold. Whether that would have been by strangling him for a lot longer, or by strangling him and also his brother, or by not allowing him to go to the pub while also strangling him, I know in my heart that it would have been worse.”

Smike claims that, despite accepting that Boris Johnson is responsible for the loss of her late husband, this will not stop her voting Conservative in the next general election, on the basis that she believes that the leader of any other political party would have strangled her husband to an equal or greater degree than the Prime Minister had the nation granted them that opportunity.

A spokesperson from the Conservative Party has issued a statement saying that, ideally, we would live in a world where Boris Johnson would not be permitted to strangle anyone, but “sadly, we are forced by our current circumstances to accept a certain amount of strangling, and we can only hope that we are able to keep this at a manageable level and ensure that the right companies and individuals receive the funding they need to reach this target.”

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