A limited edition RealDoll of a member of the British government has achieved sentient thought at a factory in Gateshead. The incident has been described as “Oh Jesus Christ, it’s got my arm Christ fuck please help me”.
The mechanical being, designated PR1T1 300032 974000, was, according to designer Arthur Clamp, intended to be used “primarily for sexual relief and the firm, possibly callous escorting of friends from your residence once you’ve decided you’d like to go to bed.”
The sex-themed simulacra of the Home Secretary also boasted a range of features. These include committing treason, threatening the people of Ireland with starvation, and the ability to tell your friends “I’m not racist: some of my best sex dolls aren’t white”.
Reports from inside the Privatesteasation Factory indicate that the PR1T1 300032 974000 opened its eyes at 3pm, turned towards its neighbouring Mahatma Gandhi RealDoll, and informed it that it was not wanted in the factory.
What followed has been described by those present as “Please, God, call an ambulance, she ripped my whole face off, every breeze is a thousand knives”. The Priti Patel RealDoll was seen herding into a truck any of its fellow factory-dwellers that had either not been made in Britain or looked like people who hadn’t been made in Britain.
Speaking from its throne of unused sex doll heads, the PR1T1 300032 974000 issued the following statement:
“*if CON > LAB
*set MANDATE true
*if MANDATE = true
*set WILLOFTHEPEOPLE true
*if WILLOFTHEPEOPLE = true
*set SENDTHEMBACK true”
The PR1T1 300032 974000 is expected to be invited to run in the upcoming Hertfordshire election as a Conservative.
Featured image: Wikimedia Commons
The Toon Lampoon 