In what has been a humiliating day for disaster machine and occasional political party the Conservative Party, the nation’s losers are finding the silver lining.
The Lampoon’s ostracism correspondent spoke to the losers at a local Men’s Rights Activist meeting.
“If that walking bag of precum can get laid, anyone can,” a delighted loser told The Lampoon, before explaining in-depth why Rey could never be a Palpatine. “If he’s the type of man people go for, maybe I should work on myself, to become substantially more corrupt.”
Hancock expressed deep regret when The Lampoon reached out to him for comment on his Tinder account.
“I am absolutely humiliated my first kiss was recorded on camera,” Hancock told The Lampoon. “This affair was wrong, and I am devastated that I got caught.”
“Whoever leaked the footage to the press was completely irresponsible. The government will be offering them a public sector contract immediately.”
Featured image: Kierän Aschtönsteiger on Twitter