Home Secretary Priti Patel has apologised for failing to uphold social distancing guidelines during the ritualistic slaughter of a migrant family.
“It is true that I could have been more cautious and more alert during this period,” Patel told The Lampoon. “I failed to observe the advised distance of two metres while my fingers tightened around the father’s malnourished throat, which I acknowledge is not acceptable behaviour.”
Earlier this week, The Lampoon released stills from a video showing the Home Secretary removing the internal organs of a young Polish man before laying them at the feet of a bronze likeness of Margaret Thatcher.
Patel was then faced with criticism on social media for her failure to wear a mask during the unholy ritual, which the NHS has stated is paramount in preventing the spread of COVID-19.
“I’m sorry that people think that my conduct was unacceptable during this period,” Patel told our reporter. “Carrying out regular Home Office business while obeying the current guidelines is a difficult matter, and one which I am still adjusting to.”
“If someone out there thinks that they can accomplish the important and necessary task of holding an undocumented immigrant’s head underwater for the statutory ten minutes without breaking social distancing guidelines, then I’d like to see it.”
“I mean, I’d really, really like to see it.”
Featured image: Number 10 on Flickr