The challenges faced by Democratic Senators continue this week, as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has signalled his party’s intention to vote down the upcoming Infrastructure bill, following an amendment that would see 6% of taxes funnelled towards the construction of a giant abortion ray.
“We consider the cost of the creation, operation, and maintenance of a giant abortion ray to be utterly nonsensical,” McConnell told our reporter. “It’s just another example of the spend-spend-spend attitude of our colleagues on the other side of the aisle.”
“It’s this kind of inability to approach matters realistically that has led to such a partisan attitude within the Senate,” the Minority Leader continued. “It’s all very well to say, ‘we want a giant abortion ray implanted into the head of the Statue of Liberty’, but what they’re really saying is, ‘we want business owners to fund a giant abortion ray implanted into the Statue of Liberty’.”
Meanwhile, even spokespersons for President Biden have indicated that the Executive Branch considers plans to turn the Statue of Liberty into a colossal, glowing-eyed guardian on the nation’s shores, capable of causing instantaneous abortions with millimetre-level accuracy in all fifty states, to be overly ambitious considering the current fiscal climate.
“America is a nation where dreams can come true,” White House Press Correspondent Jen Psaki told The Toon Lampoon, “and the President would never try to stand in the way of the dream of progress, nor between a woman and her right to choose to terminate her unwanted pregnancy using a giant abortion ray.”
“However, the Office of the President of the United States would advise exploring less bold methods, such as employing the services of two drunken clowns, each wielding a comically-oversized mallet. Republicans have already signalled that they would be willing to move forwards with this bill under these circumstances.”
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, however, has remained firm in his commitment to place a giant abortion ray in the head of the Statue of Liberty.
“In the name of progress, in the name of democracy, it is paramount that every American is able to access the full range of options that should be available to them,” he told The Toon Lampoon, “whether Democrat, Republican, or simply an au pair that made certain promises to her employer that she sure seems to be taking her sweet time with.”