The National Rifle Association has today announced its intention to pursue a defamation case against any and all children who have fatally shot themselves while playing with a parent’s firearm.
Oliver North, President of the NRA and high treason enthusiast, has said that the organisation “is sick and tired of being made to look like unsympathetic villains every time some dumbass fuckin’ three-year-old sticks a Beretta in their mouth and gives the wall a new paint job.”
North claims that the mountain of tiny, bleeding bodies has been unfairly politicised and used as a method to repeatedly attack the NRA.
“There’s no way to defend against it,” North told our journalist. “People see one, two, a hundred toddlers lying in a pool of blood, and it’s like that’s some slam-dunk argument, and suddenly you’re the bad guy for even trying to make it a discussion.”
The NRA has stated that it intends to seek legal damages from the parents of the deceased children, claiming that the sheer number of accidental juvenile gunshot deaths “is way too high to be anything but a publicity stunt, intended to discredit our fine organisation.”
The pro-gun body will also be embarking on an aggressive advertising campaign against the deceased infants and their families.
“We think it’s time to hit back,” North told The Lampoon. “Obviously, you’d have to be pretty goddamn stupid to accidentally put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, so that’s our line of attack. We’re going to make everyone realise how dumb these dead kids were.”
“We’re trialling several new slogans, like, ‘You should be sucking on a pacifier, not on a pistol”, “School would have been wasted on you if you’d lived long enough to attend”, and “What kind of stupid fucking baby doesn’t know how to use a gun?”
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