A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions today addressed criticisms of their recent “fights for dole” scheme.
The policy was described as “a bold policy for a post-Brexit nation” by the Government and “an example of the evil achievable by the uncaring and the apathetic” by everyone else. The scheme would only allow unemployment benefits for individuals who have triumphed in at least three deathmatches in a calendar month.
“What people fail to realise is that so many marketable qualities can only be acquired in the depths of a fight to the death,” a DWP spokesperson told The Lampoon.
“Skills such as determination, ambition, the ability to put together a PowerPoint presentation: where better to find them than in the sweaty, choking embrace of your fellow jobseeker?”
Under the current guidance, anyone seeking to claim benefits would be required to hand over the prescribed three skulls to their local DWP Warlord.
The spokesperson did allow that further tribute may be needed in the event that any of the victims had been undernourished or physically incapable of either seeking work or defending themselves.
“We’re well aware that this policy is not what you might call popular,” the spokesperson concluded. “But between the system letting you starve slowly, like a forgotten animal, and going out in the eternal glory of gladiatorial combat, how would you prefer that the DWP killed you?”
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