Chancellor of the Exchequer ”just needs a little help to make it through the month, man”

At a press conference today, Rishi Sunak told journalists that he’s in a real tight spot, and that he wouldn’t ask the nation for money if things weren’t so serious.

The press conference followed the negative reaction to the announced rise in national insurance from the general public, economists, and Sunak’s own party.

“I thought we were cool, man,” the Chancellor said. “I didn’t think money was this big thing between us. Shit, fam: it feels like I misread our whole dynamic.”

Sunak went on to remind the general public about how chill he’d been about slipping them the furlough pay during the COVID-19 pandemic, without making a big deal about it or anything.

“That’s the kind of guy I am, man. I see a motherfucker in need, that motherfucker’s getting that paper. Guess not everyone out there’s as real as I am.”

This press conference follows a statement from the Treasury, condemning those phoneys who are always there for the good times but who walk out on you when things get tough.

“It’s times like this that you find out who your real mates are,” the Chancellor concluded. “There’s a shadowy network of donors out there who hand over hundreds of thousands without asking me for anything in any way that could be proved legally. That’s real friendship.”

“I don’t need people giving me shit about raising income taxes when it’s what I have to do to get by.”

The Government has signalled that it supports Sunak, with sources claiming admiration for how he has dealt with the negative reaction from “those fake-ass taxpayers.”

Featured image: Flickr

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