Faroese 1429, dolphins 0, in humiliating defeat

Sports and hunting analysts alike have agreed that the population of dolphins around the Faroe Islands put in a truly lacklustre performance in what would prove to be the largest single hunt of cetaceans in history.

“It’s got to be embarrassing for them,” said conservationist Tom Harpoon, surveying the bloody aftermath. “They’re supposed to have near-human intelligence, but you could have fooled me.”

Following a night where 1429 dolphins were herded into shallow waters, stabbed to death with knives, then distributed to the local people for consumption, various animal rights groups and the broader international community have spoken out regarding the dolphin population’s need to get its head in the game.

“The main problem, as far as I see it, is that the dolphins weren’t incentivised,” said Michael Grayson, sports analyst. “Motivation counts for everything in this game, and the dolphins’ motivation to go on living clearly wasn’t of the same intensity as the Faroese’s desire to butcher over a thousand dolphins until the sea literally ran red.”

Jennifer Morgan, CEO of Greenpeace International, released a statement to journalists earlier today:

“Everyone loves a good underdog story. But the thing is, it’s difficult to care when that underdog puts in a shameful performance like we’ve seen here. I mean, dolphins are cute, but you know what I’m really invested in? Winners.”

The flawless victory of man over dolphin has been heralded by various environmental bodies as proof of how ultimately unstoppable humanity is.

“We’ve got it in us to go all the way,” said UN President Abdulla Shahid. “Faroe absolutely fucked those dolphins, and we’ve got the Amur leopard and the Black rhinoceros on the ropes. We’re the goddamn champions of the world.”

Shortly after the results came in, Greta Thunberg took to Twitter to say that even she found it hard not to view the dolphin population with scorn, disgust, and hunger.

Featured image: Walter Baxter on Geograph

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