Johnson proves commitment to healthy living, announces fizzy drinks shortage

Prime Minister and wet dog impersonator Boris Johnson has today proven his dedication to healthy living by announcing huge shortages of fizzy drinks. He also boasted about one-upping Labour’s 2019 proposals for a four-day week by only having enough power for three.

The Prime Minister agreed to talk about the drinks shortage to our health correspondent, who regularly runs, mostly away from loan sharks.

“This is a win for Britain,” the collection of carpet fibres insisted. “The shortage is due to a lack of CO2, so we’re also showing the world how green a post-Brexit GB can be!”

“Of course, I won’t be having fizzy drinks either, except for maybe a splash of Dom Pérignon. Even then, I’m saving that for when I find the nerve to sack Priti Patel.”

“After all, I believe in leading by example. I have long-since championed the nuclear family, which is why I’ve started at least two.”

Featured image: Number Ten on Flickr

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