Government accused of time-wasting for insisting on mandatory thumb-sucking

A Government insider has let slip that the reason there has been no further and drastic lockdown updates recently is due to the majority party insisting on Parliamentary thumb-sucking.

In order to calm down after making really hard decisions, the Conservative Party has issued a movement within the House that requires those participating in debates to engage in the warming suck of a thumb. Many opposing parties have themselves tried to debate against the new Parliament-wide movement, but have faced an increase in jealousy and childlike wants because they, too, now want a thumb to suck.

The movement has of course faced huge backlash for many different reasons, the most prominent being the shared thumb of Boris Johnson, which takes the lips of the man himself, as well as Cummings, Sunak, and Hancock.

Our Psychology consultant, who is actually just an English student who watches true crime documentaries rather than online lectures for their degree, has stated that “thumb-sucking is probably what serial killers would do as an adult as it’s like the comfort they never got from their childhood.” It is thought that the next Cluedo board may follow from this, and may end with Dominic Raab in the Royal Gallery with the snuff box.

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