A local cat has been left horrified after finding out she has not been placed on the mortgage and is thus unable to inherit the house if everyone dies. Gnocchi, a mackerel tabby aged between 1-7 (attempts to find her age have been inconclusive) has spoken out against her owner due to this clear breach of her rights.
Gnocchi had this to say to us:
“Meow, *lick* scream.”
Thankfully, The Lampoon keeps an Egyptologist familiar with cat-related modern hieroglyphs on retainer. This was originally in the hopes that she could break a curse placed on our editors after they burgled the Great Pyramid of Giza.
She now helps with more bog-standard Lampoon affairs, like money laundering. According to her, Gnocchi’s outburst roughly translates as:
“I am frankly outraged.”
“I contribute incredible amounts to this household: I guard the garden, and ensure everyone is alert to potential night time dangers by selflessly screaming. I even make sure they’re warm by giving up my own fur and leaving it on their items.”
“I’ve had enough: the giant bald babies can freeze for all I care. I even give them acupuncture for free when I knead on them.”
Gnocchi went on to say that she had tried other methods of protest.
“They don’t get it! I even scoot at 7pm sharp every single evening to highlight my displeasure, but all they did was take me to the vet*.”
Asked whether she would be leaving the household as a result of this latest slight, Gnocchi concluded “I do get a good amount of Dreamies, and the house is pretty toasty“.
“Plus when I had to have three big teeth out because I was eating rocks, they paid, which was nice as I can’t remember my online banking password.”
“They blended up my disgustingly stinky breakfast and dinner like soup so I could slurp it. My owner threw up three times like the weakling she is, but I suppose it was nice of her.”
Gnocchi has said that she is inspired by the latest victory against Uber in creating the Union for Cat Rights. The other founding members are neighbours Phil (a white male with no ears), Tzatziki (a female tabby recently off the boat from Greece), Pesto (a ginger tabby known for his cravats) and Ian (a mixed cat whose owner is an antivaxxer member of the BNP).
Other important policies the Union for Cat Rights want to see implemented include: a weekly Dreamies Day, more food, fewer vets, more attention, a stop to all street harassment/catcalling (they would never ‘call’), free school meals, a reduction of tuition fees and for Chris Day to fuck off.
*The author wishes to note that Gnocchi does not have worms, parasites or issues with shitting. She scoots out of spite.
Featured Image: poundlandathene