Instagram for kids “almost certainly won’t become paedophile’s paradise”

A spokesperson for Mark Zuckerberg today stated that he “was almost entirely sure” that the Facebook mogul’s proposed model for an Instagram intended for children aged 13 and under wouldn’t turn into a steaming flesh pit of pre-adolescent insecurity and low self-esteem.

“Look,” he told The Lampoon, “I can understand the concerns that have been relayed to us by over 40 attorneys general. But I really think that there is, probably, very little worry about.”

“I know that being a pre-teen is a time of curiosity and experimentation. We here at Facebook are just helping your children share that experimentation with an audience of millions.”

Various bodies and mental health charities have urged Facebook to abandon its planned Instagram for Kids, citing the pressures that social can put on a child’s mental well-being, the detrimental effects that it can have on their development, and the “extremely likely scenario” of some greasy nonce staring, unblinking, at images of your children’s feet.

“We hear your concerns,” the spokesperson for Facebook assured The Toon Lampoon, “but we do think that, in this case, they are probably being blown out of proportion.”

“I mean, your kids are all so smart, right? That’s what all your posts have been about, as well as the need for a white Ethnostates of America. So, if that’s true and your kids are all geniuses, then you’ve almost definitely got no reason to worry about them posting risqué photos or suffering genuine mental trauma over an arbitrary amount of likes. They’ll very likely be fine.”

“Instagram for Kids, like everything that we at at Facebook do, is a passion project,” the spokesperson concluded. “We believe that children are our future, which is why we’re so passionate about gathering all the information we possibly can on them before they learn to think for themselves.”

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